Category: Randomness


lightning2Suicide.  A taboo word that is left unspoken by most of the world.  For those that have been left behind by a victim of suicide, it leaves a gaping hole, a scar, a wound impenetrable, no closure, no goodbyes, no answers, but many questions.  Where does one start?  How does one heal from the wound that persists in memory forever?

My husband of 10 years, the father to my children, took his life on November 30, 1997.  Today, 18 years ago.  I have to say, it take a enormous amount of effort and diligence to face the fact that is not our fault.  There was shame associated with it.  He was doing crystal meth and I wasn’t super happy in our marriage because he cheated on me 2.5 years earlier.  I was still trying to deal with that.   Bitter and angry, doing my best to not hold that over his head in the marriage.  He after all, was a really good man.

I was a stay-at-home mother for 10 of the 12 we were together.  I had that luxury, he was a great provider.  My life was centered around my family and church.  We just celebrated Thanksgiving with my our kids and my parents. We were getting back on track, or so I thought.  Then, I found his meth with him in the bathroom, as he bathed.  Disbelief.  Are you kidding me? Really?  Yeah.  That seemed like the final straw and I think he knew I was upset as hell.  He disappeared from the house, somewhere nearby.  I was gathernig his things and then told him to go.  He didn’t appear to have taken the vehicle.  Unfortunately, I found him about 5 minutes later that night.  He had used a gun.  It was not a pretty sight.  The trauma alone inflicted a type of trauma you only see in movies.  There is no reference book on how to handle that.  My thoughts immediately went to my kids, aged 14 and 8, who were in bed trying to sleep, but heard us argue in that moment.  Stopping them from going outside to the disgusting terror that was their daddy’s death, at his own hands.  Carrying that burden alone, only seen by my step-dad, who identified him.  There was no note, no goodbyes, no closure.  The kids didn’t understand either.  Our lives changed in an instant, by the selfish act of another.   It’s not like a regular death.  This is what others don’t understand.  All we can do is try for the sake of others.  The loss of a husband, a father, a son, a child to suicide is trauma.  It shouldn’t be treated as any other tragedy.  It’s complex.

It is a day-to-day struggle, even after 18 years.  Especially today, the anniversary date.  What a waste it was of life.  Suicide brings a lot of negative emotions and causes us to have fears aplenty about our own relationships and getting close.  Suicide can cause us to relive the memory and make mistakes that are careless and which we think will bury the hurt inside us.  This is not our drama, it is a result of someone else’s bad decision, that impacts everyone.  On holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, out of town trips we remember, trinkets we shared together around the house, and the list goes on and on.  REMINDERS will exist always.  We simply learn to deal with them, without burying them.

Anger is a result of the emptiness that suicide leaves.  Anger having to tackle life alone without a partner to alleviate the confusion of life.  I am not one to go crying to others and whine about difficulties, ever. I cry out of frustration.  My parent’s taught me to be tough.  Being a middle child who was bullied in school, taught me to be tough.  Strong?  Tough?  It matters only to me.  I come across harsh, aggressive, abrasive, etc.  Do I care, sometimes.  Those that judge me haven’t walked in my shoes, or developed a personality in which they rely SOLELY upon themselves.  Do we have bad days, hell yes.  Do they rule our lives, hell no, or at least we hope they don’t.  There is no point in perpetuating the anguish with bad behaviors and sorrow either.  We MUST move on from pain, to get back to joy.  My faith in God helps me.  I know He has a bigger plan for me, somehow.  Through it all, the depression, the blame, the loss, I am capable of love.  Love is a survival instinct also.  Love is the one preferred.  Suicide takes time to heal from, perhaps a lifetime.  There is no quick fix or a counterpart to fill the void of another human gone forever.  Once you get past the blame inside that it was somehow your fault, you can THRIVE, accept, and forgive them.   Hiding behind the pain serves no one and just brings more pain.  Heal.  Be patient.  Love.  After all, isn’t that what God created us for?



Christi1544492_207542986107735_170802648_nanity.  Not just a cliché title or simplistic belief in Christ.  It keeps me in check.  A bible.  To some it means nothing, just another book sitting on a shelf while we think that because we’re spiritual or religious, or “good, sweet, kind people,” is enough.  How little we do as a whole to actually follow Christ.  What’s usually missing, what separates the wheat from the chaff as so-called “Christians” is that our words should take action in our lives.  We should have a relationship with Christ!  Not just give lip service.  How much of your life is centered around Christ, as a Christian?  Are we accepted as Christians as much as we try to accept what’s become “normal” in society like the Caitlins?  What’s your cause?  You can’t have one foot in the world and the other in Christ and be carnal minded just making excuses.  When’s the last time you HELD a bible, opened it, read it, prayed with your family or friends, studied the word, had a bible study, took notes in a journal, had convictions about your actions in life?  Do you spend more time watching TV or doing other things and barely have time to actually BE a “Christian.”  I have been a Christian my entire life, since I said the sinners prayer at age 7.  I’ve been involved in church, retreats, home groups, weekly ministry studies, Christian  based family retreats,  volunteering, Women’s ministries, raised my children to love Jesus, regularly took them to church and Sunday School, I was in Awanas as a child, I try to practice what I preach.  I have convictions and have had crappy days and YEARS of sinfulness and falling away, like the rest of the world.  My ability to overcome is purely because of my belief and faith in God and Jesus Christ that God loves me, not just lip service to the world.  I love rock music, alcohol now and then, and I have potty mouth, but at least I’m not a poser.  I’m honest about it.  Being a Christian has certain responsibilities.  It’s not just a cliché title.  I am not ashamed to say I love God.  I quote scripture, I read God’s word, and I study.  I judge by the actions of others as scripture says.  If that makes me a Holy Roller, bible  thumper or a freak, then I am.  It’s not easy living a Christ centered life, AT ALL. But, I still take up my cross daily for Christ, because He loves me true.  We all have vices or demons we struggle with.  Including Christians, because we see sin in the world
more, I think.  Stronger convictions.  Either way, I’m grateful for  God’s love, mercy, and His words.


In a nutshell, the adrenal glands, located above each kidney, are the stress control centers of the body.   They are responsible for directing over 50 chemical messengers called hormones that help us deal with emotional or physical stress.   Stress comes in many forms, such as loss of a loved one, car accident, over exercise, relationship difficulties, relocation, or illness.  The more stress you have, the harder the adrenals must work.  Overworked adrenal glands become burned out, or tired.  Your body wants rest to recuperate.   It tries to conserve energy.  Your organ systems start to slow down.   Fatigue and lethargy increases.   At first, you try coffee, supplements, and sugar fixes to keep you going and energized.   Eventually these fail, and you feel more fatigued than ever.   Does this sound familiar?

There are many causes of Adrenal Fatigue. Emotional stress and toxic relationships are the leading stressors, in addition to infection, hereditary factors, and others. Symptoms that arise are the result of the breakdown in our endocrine and autonomic nervous systems.   Both of these affect the entire body.  No organ system is spared. Physically, your body is breaking down, and that is why you feel terrible.   Let me be clear—it’s not all in your head. Failure to recognize signs and symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue:  The first recovery mistake.

Symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue include:

• Low energy / sluggishness
• Insomnia
• Anxiety
• Low blood pressure
• Muscle pain
• Multiple chemical sensitivity
• Food allergies
• Loss of libido
• Low body temperature
• Menstrual irregularities
• Insomnia
• Heart palpitations
• Salt cravings
• Hypoglycemia

Your symptoms are your body’s only way of alerting you to the chaos within. Each symptom has its own underlying cause. For example, salt craving and low blood pressure can be attributable to impaired regulation of aldosterone, a key adrenal hormone. Heart palpitations can be due to the sympathetic nervous system overtone as it moves into overdrive. Muscle and joint pain are often due to the catabolic state of the body and low liver function, even though laboratory tests are normal. Insomnia may be due to metabolic imbalances. Irregular menses, low libido, and PMS are likely to be due to excessive estrogen. These symptoms are the body’s cry for you to take corrective action at the root level. Not recognizing these symptoms has grave consequences. The reason is simple—you cannot fix something when you do not know what is wrong. Sometimes, people think these symptoms are part of the normal aging process. Let us dispel this misconception now. Aging does not force you to lose your vitality and become bedridden.


It is common to be confused between Hypothyroidism and Adrenal Fatigue because they can have very similar symptoms.  One of the most common causes of fatigue is low thyroid function.  Thyroid medication will help you only if your thyroid itself is not working properly.  If your low thyroid function is due to Adrenal Fatigue, increasing thyroid medication to enhance energy and reduce fatigue only puts the adrenal glands on overdrive at a time when it needs rest. Over time, this will make you worse.  If you are on thyroid medication and are still lacking energy, or if you continue to require increasing medications to sustain the same energy level, be alert for Adrenal Fatigue as the root cause, not hypothyroidism.

Here is another tip you need to know. Do you feel cold all the time, especially in the toes and fingers?  Pay attention to your body temperature.  Body temperature is consistently low with Adrenal Fatigue, and thyroid medications will not be able to bring the temperature up, but normalizing adrenal function can.   Do not be misled into believing that once you are on thyroid medication, there is no hope of getting off. The majority of people on thyroid medications in fact have a strong adrenal component to their overall weakness.  Restoring adrenal health often leads to improved thyroid health and reduction in thyroid medication in these cases.  I see many who in fact are able to get off their thyroid medications with this approach. Alert your doctor about the possible adrenal component if you are concerned. Failure to recognize multi-organ involvement: a devastating error.

The hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis is the hormonal network that regulates the adrenal glands. The adrenals are intricately connected to many other organs in a variety of axes. One such intricate relationship ties in with the thyroid and the ovaries. Medically we refer to this axis as the ovarian adrenal and thyroid (OAT) axis in women, and the adrenal thyroid (AT) axis in men. Organs of these axes are intimately co-dependent on each other. They have to be in perfect balance in order for you to feel good. Unfortunately this balance is off when your adrenals are overworked.  Failure to recognize this imbalance often leads to incorrect advice and
treatment. In the end, you become worse instead of better.  For women in particular, OAT axis imbalance leads to a condition called estrogen dominance.  Symptoms can include:

Hot flashes
• Weight gain at the hips
• Water retention
• Moodiness
• Endometriosis

The take home lesson is simple: Few organ systems function properly when your adrenals are not working. Other systems are also involved. They start to breakdown, resulting in:

• Depression
• Metabolic syndrome
• Diabetes
• Hypotension
• Lipid abnormality
• Auto-Immune diseases

If that is not enough, be forewarned that the worst is yet to come. As Adrenal Fatigue advances, assimilation of nutrients from the gut becomes compromised, resulting in food sensitivities and internal dysbiosis. Candida infections can become rampant. Your liver’s ability to get rid of unwanted breakdown products reduces as it reaches clearance capacity. Toxin build-up occurs internally. A negative chain reaction initiates. Excessive toxic metabolites can lead to:

• Brain fog
• Joint pain
• Skin rashes
• Allergies
• Muscle discomfort
• Multiple chemical sensitivities and many other symptoms

Do not be surprised or afraid if the vast majority of health care practitioners are not familiar with these associations and their implications. Multiple organs impact the body’s ability to recover, therefore, slowing it down. No organ system escapes the dysfunction when the adrenals are not in optimal condition. Failure to recognize multi-organ involvement is a major recovery mistake.

Unusual and paradoxical symptoms that defy conventional medical logic are common as Adrenal Fatigue advances.  I see this often in my nutritional practice. Do not be afraid. Each of these unusual reactions has a sound fundamental physiological basis. Ask your physician for a full explanation.  Take the time to understand and investigate its meaning.  In my nutritional practice, we make a point of explaining all symptoms clearly so you know how to deal with all of them positively and constructively.

Failure to recognize paradoxical and unusual reactions: The harder you try, the worse you get.A paradoxical reaction occurs medical treatment, usually a drug, has the opposite effect to that which normally is expected. An example of a paradoxical reaction from some sedatives prescribed for adults actually cause hyper-activeness. Experienced clinicians know this and are on high alert for these abnormalities.  Common paradoxical and unusual reactions include:

A sense of fatigue, malaise, or a state of anxiety instead of a sense of calm when taking steroids
• Sudden onset of anxiety attacks and impending doom at rest
• Sudden onset of heart palpitations despite normal cardiac function
• Sudden onset of dizziness and lightheadedness at rest
• Sudden onset of fluctuating blood pressure
• A sense of being “beaten up” that lasts for days after vigorous exercise.
• Inability to think clearly and difficulty recalling recent events
• Waking up in the middle of the night for no reason and the inability to go back to sleep.
• Constipation instead of loose bowels when taking high doses of vitamin C or magnesium
• A sense of feeling wired and anxious after taking certain vitamins, adrenal glandular, or herbs
• Feeling more toxic instead of feeling better when going through a detoxification program like juice fasting, acupuncture or massage.
• Sudden onset of fragile emotional states such as crying for no apparent reason
• Taking multiple trips to the Emergency Room because one feels impending doom even though nothing is wrong after repeated work-up.
• A sense of well-being after taking selected nutrients, only to be followed by a “crash.”

The more advanced the Adrenal Fatigue, the more paradoxical and unusual reactions tend to surface.  The body is caught in a vicious cycle of a cascading downward state of functions in its own violent attempt to rebalance itself. Eventually, this leads to severe incapacitation of daily functions, including:

• Severe fatigue
• Bed bound most of the time
• Fragile blood pressure
• Reactive hypoglycemia
• Unexplained heart palpitations
• Severe anxiety attack
• Profound dizziness
• Extreme brain fog
• Frequent infection
• Severe insomnia

Sufferers in this state are called the “living dead.”  They can hardly function, but look good from the outside.  The clinical picture becomes extremely convoluted and confusing to all but the most astute and experienced clinician.

Taken from


In cases where the patient’s hypothyroidism doesn’t correlate with the ranges from a given lab, a test result within laboratory reference limits is not necessarily normal for an individual.  According to Anderson, Pedersen, Brunn & Laurburg, 2002,  “Because serum TSH responds with logarithmically amplified variation to minor changes in serum T(4) and T(3), abnormal serum TSH may indicate that serum T(4) and T(3) are not normal for an individual.  A condition with abnormal serum TSH, but with serum T(4) and T(3) within laboratory reference ranges is labeled subclinical thyroid disease. Our data indicate that the distinction between subclinical and overt thyroid disease (abnormal serum TSH and abnormal T(4) and/or T(3)) is somewhat arbitrary. For the same degree of thyroid function abnormality, the diagnosis depends to a considerable extent on the position of the patient’s normal set point for T(4) and T(3) within the laboratory reference range.”  Abnormally high (subclinical hypothyroidism) or low (subclinical hyperthyroidism) is defined by the TSH within reference ranges.  However, the common population will have frequently have subclinical abnormalities.  While these result have been thoroughly reviewed and studied in textbooks, subclinical hypothyroidism is common especially in elderly women, yet there is no clear evidence to date that subclinical hypothyroidism causes clinical heart disease.  “Estimates of average normal secretion for euthyroid humans are 94-110 µg T4 and 10-22 µg T3 daily (259).”  (Bowthorpe, 2011)

Overt Problems in the Doctor’s Office with Hypothyroidism Diagnosis

      Doctors get trapped in the lab-obsessed ranges, which are merely guidelines, rather than giving credence to clinical presentation.  Without having made the request for additional testing initially beyond looking at my TSH score, I would have remained undiagnosed for years before the number rises high enough to reveal the condition.

T3, Free T3, and Reverse T3

“While the thyroid gland produces both T4 and T3, the T4 is inactive. In order to be of use to the body, the T4 is converted to T3.  Increasingly, however, experts are identifying that nutritional deficiencies, toxins, and a variety of other physiological factors may prevent the body from accomplishing that conversion process effectively, leaving some patients deficient in this most important thyroid hormone.”  (Shamon, 2012).   This was evidenced in the initial lab results of February 2013.  Though my T4 level was approximately mid-range, both my T3 and my Free T3 (FT3) were low, negligible in fact.  What this indicates is that my body was not converting the T4 to T3 usable hormone, at all.  This means that giving me T4 supplements really won’t have any effect on me if the body isn’t converting it anyway.

FREE T3 LAB TEST: T3 is the active thyroid  hormone. Free in front of the T3 means you are measuring what is available and unbound.  Those on an optimal amount of desiccated thyroid, with no lingering hypothyroid symptoms and in the presence of healthy adrenals, tend to have a free T3 at the top of the range. If you are on desiccated thyroid (especially if lower than 3 grains) and find yourself with the free T3 high or above range in the presence of continuing hypothyroid symptoms, or even hyper-like symptoms (anxiety, shakiness), it’s a clue you have adrenal fatigue, aka low cortisol.  If not on thyroid medication: 1) If your free T3 is high, you could have Hashimoto’s disease, which will need the two antibodies tests to discern it, or Graves disease, which needs the TSI test. 2) if your free T3 is mid-range or lower, and in the presence of hypothyroid symptoms, you may have hypothyroidism, no matter how low the TSH. You should NOT take any T3-containing product on the morning of a test.

REVERSE T3 TEST: This test has to be done at the same time you do the free T3, and you then measure the ratio between the two by dividing the RT3 into the Free T3.  The body produces the benign RT3 naturally to rid itself of excess of T4, but in some cases, such as high or low cortisol, it’s made in excess and that excess clogs your cell receptors from receiving regular T3. FT3 should be twenty of more times higher than RT3.  (Barthorpe,2005, pgs 162-163)

T4 and Free T4

            “T4 is one of five hormones made by the thyroid– the latter which includes T4, T3, T2, T1 and calcitonin.  T4 is a storage hormone with the purpose of converting to the active hormone T3, though the thyroid also makes some direct T3.  T3 is the hormone which gives health and energy to every cell in the body.”  (Bowthorpe, 2011)

Low Iron and Hyprothyroidism

            Because being hypothyroid can result in a lowered production of stomach acid (frequent heartburn) which in turn leads to the malabsorption of iron, whether revealed with low ferritin, or with inadequate levels of serum or saturation. It can also lower your body temperature (common for those on T4-only thyroxine, as well) which causes you to make less red blood cells. Some even find themselves with a higher-than-normal temperature with on-going iron problems.

Low iron levels decreases deiodinase activity, i.e. it slows down the conversion of T4 to T3.  Biologically, insufficient iron levels may be affecting the first two of three steps of thyroid hormone synthesis by reducing the activity of the enzyme “thyroid peroxidase”, which is dependent on iron.  Thyroid peroxidaxe brings about the chemical reactions of adding iodine to tyrosine (amino acid), which then produces T4 and T3. Insufficient iron levels alter and reduces the conversion of T4 to T3, besides binding T3. Additionally, low iron levels can increase circulating concentrations of TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone).

Even worse, good iron levels are needed in the production of cortisol via the adrenal cortex. This study reveals that an iron-containing protein is present in high amounts in the adrenal cortex and is involved in the synthesis of corticosterone.  So by having low iron, you can potentially lower your cortisol levels.

Iron, in addition to iodine, selenium and zinc, are essential for normal thyroid hormone metabolism.  Avoid calcium foods, coffee, tea or wine (tannins interfere with absorption), the fiber of bran, and chocolate at the same time you take iron. Also avoid mixing iron with your thyroid pills. Keep them all 2-4 hours apart from each other he iron won’t bind to some of the thyroid hormones as they mix in your stomach and bind some of that NDT.

Adrenal Fatigue and Estrogen/Progesterone

     They point to high cortisol, low cortisol, or often a combination of both. These can also be found or exasperated while raising natural desiccated thyroid or T3, and can occur at low doses of desiccated thyroid or T3, or waited until the patient got as high as 3 grains and more. They are in no particular order, and you can have some and not others:

  • continuing hypothyroid symptoms with a high free T3
  • shaky hands; shakiness
  • diarrhea
  • bad palps
  • higher heart rate
  • pounding heart
  • feeling of panic
  • weakness
  • inability to handle stress
  • inability to handle interactions with others
  • inability to focus
  • rage or sudden angry outbursts
  • emotionally hyper sensitive
  • overreacting
  • highly defensive
  • feeling paranoid about people or things
  • exacerbated reactions to daily stress
  • no patience
  • easily irritated
  • mild to severe hypoglycemic episodes
  • nausea in the face of stress
  • taking days to recover from even minor stress
  • taking days to recover from a dental visit
  • flu-like symptoms
  • headache
  • all over body ache
  • super-sensitive skin
  • extreme fatigue
  • scalp ache
  • hyper feeling
  • jittery
  • clumsy (drop things, bump into things)
  • confusion
  • suddenly feel extremely hungry
  • low back pain
  • dull
  • cloud-filled head (happens when this patient is due for a next cortisol dose)
  • jumpiness
  • muscle weakness
  • “air hunger”
  • dizziness
  • light headedness
  • motion sickness
  • coffee putting patient to sleep
  • vomiting even running up the slightest incline
  • almost passing out every time patient gets up
  • dark circles under my eyes
  • waking up in the middle of the night for several hours
  • difficulty falling asleep
  • frequent urination
  • IBS symptoms
  • worsening allergies

If you have any of the above, it is highly recommended that you confirm sluggish adrenals with Discovery Steps One and Two found on the Adrenal-info page or Chapter Five in the STTM book with more in the list, and doing the 24 hour adrenal saliva test, which we have found to give far more important information than a one-time blood test or a urine test. The ACTH STIM may be good to detect if you have a pituitary problem, but may fail you to detect the kind of adrenal dysfunction that many hypothyroid patients have.

Reading the Numbers Correctly

Ranges are merely a guide and if a value falls outside the normal values listed, they may still be normal for you or your lab.

Reference Values


Males: 27-37%

Females: 20-37%

To measure and validate the uptake, use the following calculations:

Free Thyroxine Index (FT4)  x   uptake percentage (30%) = TU

FTI  x Uptake




0-11 months: not established

1-9 years: 6.0-12.5 mcg/dL

10-17 years: 5.0-11.0 mcg/dL

> or =18 years: 5.0-12.5 mcg/dL



<1.3 suggests hypothyroidism

1.3-3.0 suggests euthyroidism – a state of NORMAL thyroid function.

            (11/21/13, I am 1.6, previously 10/12/13 I was 1.3)

>3.0 suggests hyperthyroidism

Though my TSH is currently .01, the more important factor is that I am barely in a state of functioning euthyroidism while medicated.  This is yet another reason doctors should evaluate a patient based on clinical symptoms and the variety of ranges for their patient and in some cases, omit the TSH entirely as it is not a normal range for everyone, especially those with subclinical or secondary hypothyroidism.  This isn’t rocket science but should be taken into consideration as a legitimate fact.  “The best use for the TSH pertains to what is IS: a PITUITARY HORMONE! And for that, it’s a good guide to reveal if you have a malfunctioning pituitary gland, especially if you have a very low TSH and low free T3, accompanied by raging hypothyroid symptoms.”  Thyroid disease management via the TSH number alone is an insufficient method of measuring the actual levels in the body.  To get a patient in the normal euthyroid range effectively, a dosage of the equivalent to 3-5 grains desiccated thyroid is necessary. When a patient gets close to or in that range of desiccated thyroid, you will have a suppressed TSH lab result, which clearly reveals the lack of understanding and how the man-made and outdated procedure for the TSH range is. (Bowthorpe, 2011).


     Andersen S, Pedersen KM, Bruun NH, Laurberg P., (2002, March).   Narrow individual variations in serum T(4) and T(3) in normal subjects: a clue to the understanding of subclinical thyroid disease; J Clin Endocrinol Metab. 2002 Mar; 87(3):1068-72.  Retrieved from

     Barthorpe  M.Ed, J., (2011).  Stop the Thyroid Madness: A Patient Revolution Against Decades of Inferior Treatment.  Fredericksburg, TX, Laughing Grape Publishing.

Barthrope M Ed, J., (2005).  Stop the Thyroid Madness: TSH – Why It’s Usless.  Retrieved from   

     Shamon, M., (Sept. 2012).  Thyroid Patients: Do You Need T3 or Natural Desiccated Thyroid?  Retrieved from 

Surks MIOrtiz EDaniels GHSawin CTCol NFCobin RHFranklyn JAHershman JMBurman KDDenke MAGorman CCooper RSWeissman NJ., (2004).   Subclinical thyroid disease scientific review and guidelines for diagnosis and management. The Journal of American Medical Association, 291(2), 228-238. Retrieved from

Trbojević B., (2003, Dec.). Subclinical thyroid disease-should we treat, should we screen for it?;    Srp Arh Celok Lek. 2003 Nov-Dec;131(11-12):467-73.  Retrieved from

God sent OVER 25 prophets to Israel only so that we would understand his plan for salvation of mankind would take place in Israel,not some other land. Starting with prophecy by prophets, a promise of a covenant, a virgin birth of Jesus Christ, His deity, death and resurrection. God raised prophet after prophet in Israel to review predictions of the coming Messiah.  Later the Messiah, Jesus Christ, was sent to Israel by God to fulfill what was revealed by the prophets, FROM GOD, in scripture.  God planned it throughout history, step-by-step.  The validity of what Jesus did and said was based on everything already revealed by GOD through the previous prophets in history OVER HUNDREDS OF YEARS, they were in agreement year after year, prophet after prophet.  🙂  Why would any other prophet come, hundreds of years later, contradicting all of God’s 25 previous prophets and God’s prophecies?  Does God make mistakes?  Dare you ask!  No.  He doesn’t.  Jesus Christ fulfilled OVER 50 Messianic, biblical, historical prophecies.  Who else can make such a claim?  No one.

If one believes IN these prophecies, yet DO NOT believe they’ve been fulfilled through Jesus Christ, then:

WHO were these prophecies about, 

WHEN will they come to pass, 

WHY have the disappeared,  

WHERE is this “Messiah” and; 

WHY did God make false claims to mankind in His word and allow this error to never be resolved with fulfillment of His plan?

If you believe God’s 25 prophets, and these 50+ prophecies are in fact incorrect/changed/corrupted/false, you deny God in the face of man.  It’s painfully obvious God doesn’t make mistakes and there is too much historical evidence to support the accuracy of the essence of God’s word for 2000+ years.  For this rejection, you will burn in hell.

Jesus said, “If you deny me (his deity) before man, I will deny you before my father in heaven (no entry).”

Here are just a few prophecies from the Old Testament, fulfilled in the New Testament through Jesus Christ himself.

PROPHECY: Zechariah 12:10 – And I will pour upon the house of David, and upon the inhabitants of Jerusalem, the spirit of grace and of supplications: and they shall look upon me whom they have pierced, and they shall mourn for him,as one mourneth for his only son, and shall be in bitterness for him, as one that is in bitterness for his firstborn.

FULFILLMENT: John 19:18 – Where they crucified him, and two other with him, on either side one, and Jesus in the midst.

PROPHECY: Isaiah 53:12 – Therefore will I divide him a portion with the great, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong; because he hath poured out his soul unto death: and he was numbered with the transgressors; and he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.

FULFILLMENT: Luke 22:37, JESUS SAID, For I tell you, what is written must be fulfilled in Me: And He was counted among the outlaws. Yes, what is written about Me is coming to its fulfillment.

PROPHECY: Jeremiah 31:31 – Behold, the days come, saith the LORD, that I will make a new covenant (promise) with the house of Israel, and with the house of Judah.

FULFILLMENT: Matthew 26:28 – for this is My blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for forgiveness of sins.


Marriage?!? Interesting thought. I consider myself a Christian, but don’t discount other religions. Islam in particular since I know many Muslims. I can’t say I have run into many other religions that take their beliefs as seriously as a Muslim does.  I see the similarities and differences between me and them.   Clearly we both love a higher power.  Christians refer to that entity as God and Muslims as Allah.  The love is the same.   I have experienced it through them at times.  Would I convert for marriage or support my Christian status? I don’t know if that is an option.  Do I leave MY God for a MUSLIM MAN’s particular beliefs?  Why would it matter really to do so or not?  Is it necessary……if you love one another? Just curious….

Have other Christians done so?  What is the success rate?  Why don’t Muslims become Christians instead?  Where is love if all these rules dictate life, when all of it comes from BOOKS or it is what is drilled into our heads over and over again, day in and day out.  What about what the heart says and knows…what about intuition?  Why is it necessary to convert at all?  What does a woman give up in the process if her decision is to convert?  Rumor has it Muslims slap women around and are abusive toward them.  I have only experienced good things from the two muslim men I have dated and many more that I have cared for deeply.  There is a commitment on their part to express love toward others, more so than I have EVER seen in a Christian man or an American man for that matter.  Is it best to give up on love and go at life alone forever, or consider the possibilities elsewhere?  So many questions.  So much to learn.  Statistics to research.  Facts to examine.  Much to pray about.  What I see is a love of God. Call Him God, call Him Allah, why does it matter if you love HIM.  God has many names. 

Many of my friends will read this and cringe.  My family may flip out.  My Christian friends will judge me.  Those that judge me do so without cause.  I love mankind.  God commands us to love one another.  I just don’t feel this is all inclusive of my faith alone or to a particular “religion.”   If I burn in hell for it and ask questions, then I hope one day, as I stand before God….he will softly tell me if I was wrong.  In the meantime, unless I have been personally hurt by someone of another faith, that bashes my creator, I have no reason to believe love between faiths isn’t a possibility. 

After all, God IS love and love is the greatest gift. 

Don’t be haters.  Hate has no place in a heart filled with love.  Examine your own opinions.

  • Someone that needs a lot of love is only a problem for you if you can’t keep up.
  •  Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.    ~Jane Austen
  •  Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for something that will never happen.
  •  The best feeling in the world is to finally know how it feels to be in love; The worst feeling is knowing they will never love you back.
  •  It’s not the fact you lied to me, its not that you don’t care… it’s knowing I was used and knowing I will never get back all the time I spent thinking about you.
  •  Sometimes all you ever want is someone to want and need you as much as you want and need them.
  •  If men were as good at relationships as they are at lying…us women would have nothing to complain about!!!
  •  I’m mature enough to forgive you, BUT not dumb enough to trust you.
  •  We don’t talk anymore. And you know what the saddest part is? We used to talk everyday.
  •  I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
  •  Perhaps love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. (Shanny)
  •  Liars are always ready to take oaths.
  •  Trusting someone allows you to be open with them and let them in to my life.
  •  If you wish to be a leader, yet have no followers, you are simply taking a walk.
  •  Id rather make a thousand mistakes than never do anything at all.  What will be my next mistake? …   It is a fool who looks for logic within the chambers of the human heart.
  •  Success, experience & quality of your love depends on what you give others (are they nurturing your past).
  •  It is but a shadow and thought that you love.  I cannot give you what you seek.  (Lord of the Rings).
  •  I dreamed I was dying and my heart stopped.  You saved my life by piercing my heart with an arrow of your love… (Wendy Poole)
  •  Why is love such a sorrowful thing, this I never could understand; passion and pain are linked together, ever I find them hand in hand. (Laurence Hope from “The Complete Love Lyrics”).
  • Friendship requires obligation to maintain.  If you have to think about it, then all it is, is a waste of good grey matter.     Matt Ryder 2003
  •  Yes; but you will be the same to me, because we have met in Eternity, and there our intimacy was formed.       ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
  •  Forgiveness liberates the soul and removes fear. 
  •  Time passes when you’re not looking.
  • On the nights you are not with me, I feel deformed and detached.
  •  Anxious before we’ve spoken, anxious after we have. 
  • With the crown of thorns I wear, why should I be bothered with a prick like you?  ~ Dorothy Parker 


The world is my theater, I am the writer, and my friends and family are my audience. Where you sit is determined by your presence in my life. Causal or committed to friendship? Not all relationships are perfect, many are toxic and shallow, even “random.” Who is in your theater, front and center and why?

If you don’t have “time” for me, I don’t have time for you either.  If  you set the pace, I will follow.  So if it bites you in the ass later, don’t blame me because it wasn’t to your advantage or life got ahead of you.  It’s simple….you make time for the things and people you love.  A phone call, lunch, texting, a letter, hanging out, road trips, etc.  Is ANYONE or ANYTHING so important they forget the people in the audience or is there only one-act to the play?  No refunds, no sell out shows.  If you are a no-show, it’s your own fault the show went on without you.


I matter. My feelings matter. My things matter. My life matters. I am not a doormat or an object made of stone. I truly wonder when someone will care about ME out of pure love and NOT out of obligation or association to me. I have learned to live my life doing for everyone else while I wait silently for someone to give a shit about me and care about what matters to me. Who will go out of their way for me!??

Did someone help me financially, no, I never ask.  Did someone take care of me when I lost my nailbeds, no, I never asked.  Did someone come to visit JUST to see me without an agenda for themselves, no, they never do.  Did someone ask me to join them in an activity  because they are my friend, no, they never do.  Did someone call to see how my day went……no.  Loneliness and frustration go hand in hand.  I’d rather be alone that be wanted around only when someone has their own agenda to fill. I prefer to be around my friends because I like them and enjoy their company, even if all we do is have a cracker or a piece of bread.  I can be happy doing the smallest of things, together with those that I care for.  Making a glass of tea or baking their favorite snack.  Treating others with the decency that I would like shown toward me shouldn’t be made into an argument. 

I have learned so much about love through all the losses I have suffered in my lifetime, but it is rarely shown to me directly without motive for themselves.  What happened to “loving your neighbor as yourself” amongst friends and family?

Timex:  It takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’.  I am not a Timex.  I am tired of being treated with disrespect.  My own mother made me feel as if I didn’t matter, because I went to live with my father at age 12 and was never really truly forgiven for hurting her this way.  Did I feel unloved?  Yes.  Did I try to find the love that was missing?  All the time.  

I am not perfect and I make mistakes too.  I do know one thing.  I matter!  My feelings matter! My things matter! My life matters!  Maybe one day, I will matter to someone the way I matter to me…… has been a long 13 years having bouts of “mattering” but nothing real or lasting.  I just want to matter…one day…everyday…for no reason at all except for being me.

What does it mean to be a woman of noble character?  To be worthy of so much more?  To shine in the light, to be set apart from the rest, to be an example to others through actions, behaviors and character.  I hope that I am a bright light to others who live in darkness and shame.  Those who have no conscious about the manner in which they live their lives from one day to the next or how they treat others in their lives. I was asked years ago to think of one of the happiest couples I know, to think upon the woman.  Did I look up to her?  Is she someone I hold in high esteem?  Did she love God and all His gifts in her life.  Sure there are many women around the world we can call heroes, famous people.  When I think of a woman of good character, I remember what it means to be a Proverbs 31 woman:

Proverbs 31:10-31

10Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. 11The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. 12She will do him good, and not evil, all the days of her life. 13She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. 14She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar. 15She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth food to her household, and a portion to her maidens. 16She considereth a field, and buyeth it; with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. 17She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. 18She perceiveth that her merchandise is good; her lamp {candle} goeth not out by night. 19She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. 20She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. 21She is not afraid of the snow for her household; for all her household are clothed with scarlet. 22She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. 23Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. 24She maketh fine linen, and selleth it, and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. 25Strength and honor are her clothing, and she shall rejoice in time to come. 26She openeth her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness. 27She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. 28Her children rise {arise} up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. 30Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. 31Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates.

I consider myself a woman of immeasurable worth.  God tells me I am in the blessings in my life, even after all the pain I have endured.  I have heard it from close family friends and from my own daughter.   I try to keep a calm spirit and a joyful heart.  I try not to let things anger me.   It is hard to keep my chin up and keep pushing forward, when it feels as if life at times has robbed me of some happiness.  I try so hard.  I put up a good fight for what is right.  There have been several occasions in the last few years in which this woman, this woman God has created me to be, was tested to the limits beyond the bounds of which I can scarcely stomach.  Beyond what I know in my heart.  I cannot bear another disapproval or rejection.  I hurt so deeply at times.  I have wanted to disappear forever.  To never have to feel another moment of pain in my tender heart from loving another.  I feel as if I am wasting away.  These wounds that tear at the essence of what it means to be a woman.  This woman who cares deeply and loves passionately in so many aspects of life.  Whose pure, innocent joy, can be rendered lifeless within, all because of the senseless, careless, undermining, cruel character of another human being.  Then I am reminded I am a child of God.  A person of noble character would never deceive, hurt, lie, cheat or speak to me in a manner of shame. 

Here I am, a woman created from man’s rib, to serve and love him. To give to him as a woman of worth.  To love and respect him.  To care for his children and be responsible in life in all manners, in behaviors, attitudes, finances, household concerns and above all, to do so with a happy heart.  To BE, a Proverbs 31 woman.  To me, this is my gift, this is how I CHOOSE to conduct my life.  To have the Holy Spirit guide my thoughts and lasso them under control.  To praise my efforts.

God knows my character better than I know it myself.  I am happy to say I am a honorable woman, who has a big heart and is driven in life to want what is good, noble, fair and of value.  To seek that which is best for others that I hold dear to me.  Yes, I have a standard by which I conduct myself internally.  Some may even consider this snobby or prissy.  I try to set a good example and not just talk about it.  When people look at me they see goodness and a little bit of feistiness!  I try not to hurt others.  This is damaging to my spirit.  It crushes me, so I avoid it whenever possible.  This is the essence of my heart.  The sensitive, loving, woman who has been shaped by God.   Yet, so often, others don’t care and they malign my name.  Consider the source.  Do they even know God?  Do they have a personal relationship with Him.   Have they ever?  Do they even care where their life is headed?  How they treat others?  Do they care or do they live a life of darkness and misery?  Do they count it all joy when they fall into various trials?  God cares for me and pulls me past the hurt.  Each and every time, I am delivered and my heart beats stronger. 

Some will read this and think, blah blah blah…..there she goes, talking about God again!  Or that I am stuck up or better than you are.  No. I am a woman.  I am not a rock without feelings.  I have too many in fact!  Trust me, there are times I wish I could shut down.  I am not perfect but I care, I try harder than most and I fight a good fight for what is right and noble.  So today, I am happy. I am happy I have people who make me feel as if Iam a woman of good character and that I feel pretty and I am loved for being who I am.  I may be blunt, opinionated, sometimes even demanding, but the bottom line is that when you go at life alone as a woman, its tough.  Sometimes it sucks in fact and you wanna take it out on the world!  Some people do!  Life makes me strong.  Life HAS made me strong, but through it all, I am a still a worthy woman.  I enjoy being a woman and I will continue to share love for others, in spite of their horrible behaviors.  Some I will simply walk away from because they damage my spirit.  They don’t deserve the likes of someone like me in their miserable lives.  I am not here to save them anyway.  God has brought me this far in my life with so much success AS A WOMAN on my own that I can only anticipate much of the same.  If not, that’s ok too!  🙂

Thank you God for allowing me the desire to be the woman you ask of me.  To be a woman of worth.  To know my life is more fulfilled each day I can actually do it!  I am set apart and am proud to be yours.

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