Category: Poetically Yours


A Living Legacy

They say, “The most sincere form of flattery is imitation.”  This is never more true than when seen in a mother-daughter bond.

I wake up every day missing you so much I swear my heart stops and I seriously can’t breathe as tears FLOOD my face yet again. I try making coffee or feeling pretty through that. I listen to your voice mails. I talked with Jim about you yesterday. Bawled my eyes out.

We didn’t get along so well and fought badly.  I’m not going to sugar coat it.  I guess you taught me well.  Some of my relatives get pissy because I share life on my social outlet, Facebook or don’t tell me stuff because they THINK I’ll share. We all have our own methods for dealing with life or hiding.  Trying to reach out in our imperfections and shared pain to no avail.  Alone.  Wronged, yet still I try.  I guess we all learned something about being stubborn.

My handful of friends don’t hit me up to hang out, come over, or get together. Am I plagued?  I’m even less social now since you left us,  putting on my happy face. Well, you are my mother. Gone and I’m a mess.  Troy’s suicide didn’t prepare me for this.  I had no idea your monumental impact that I’d mimicked, until you died. How the hell did THAT happen.  “I don’t wanna be anything like you,” I’d swear!  Your stubborn, strong-willed, defiant redheaded child.  “That’s my Wendy!”  In the strangest, twisted, weird way, you were my best friend in all the shitty moments anchored in arguing.  But, I’m just like you as a chatter box, opinionated, without much of a filter, standing my ground, stubborn to my core, and sassy taking aim at people under my breath.  I think of a lifetime shared with you talking about the things that made me a woman and determined homemaker, down to the smallest of detail, asking still for advice at 50.  All of it.  Needing my mom and crying with you.  Because I missed you and just wanted to love you and brush your hair. To serve you.  To take care of you.   Asking, to try and come see you. Asking in advance because I didn’t want to upset you and due to the hardship I can never seem to escape. Told no several times. “Timing isn’t right for Danielle and I to come,” but your other children did.  It stung.  I didn’t want to fight or upset your health.  Now you’re gone and it pisses me off.  I’m glad you called me often and I you, to set the record straight on the powerful mother-daughter bonds of love and friendship I questioned, but we definitely shared. People can say whatever they want about that.

My mentor, my ever present guide even in anger and frustration. Our shared physical and health ailments, competetive like sisters, brats, both full of a prideful need to always be right. You’d never admit it in a million years. Longing, but never giving in to defeat with apologies.  Hell no.  Holding my ground.  Just.  Like.  You……Yes, I am a deep reflection of you.  It’s hard to let down my guard once hurt.  Just.  Like.  You.  I’m glad we cleared the air and I apologized for ever hurting you.  That I always need you.  Proving a point suddenly became pointless.  A stroke for the win?  That it felt like old times once again and I was holding your hand as you taught me to be strong and not show fear and sadness.  Your immobility crushed your spirit and mine.  All the hurtful memories thrown out the window.

I’m grappling daily as my life mimics you at every, single, turn as a woman. Talking about bra support, spices for cooking, how to weed a garden, types of cleansers, starching clothes, FOREVER shining through me like a blinding beacon.  Obsessive need to get things right, but falling short somehow.  I’m trying to embrace it, realizing it’s you, still beside me, holding my hand……telling me not to cry…..as we cry anyway.  I hear you still.  I love you momma.  I love you so much.

The most sincere form of flattery is imitation.  Indeed it is.

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What’s on my mind? Hmmm…..well I woke up and I have a tummy ache since 1AM and hellish heartburn. Went to take some baking soda water and saw ALL my pain pills and herbal sleep aids still sitting on the counter. DUH! No wonder I’m wide awake! I get to try and finish things for the realtors to take pics by 4:45PM today, Thursday. My daughter readied the front yard and patio. I need to use the leaf blower still. Have to use oil absorber in the driveway and move everything off of it. HAHAAAA!!! Any volunteers? No? Same shit, different day. All my fairweather “friends.” Reality check ✔✔ I ran into a HUGE issue tiling bathroom shower with depth of the faucet controls. They were sticking out WAY too far. Better before to find out than after tiling it! I was happy I found the matching tiles on the cheap! I guess selling has pushed me to fix everything now, tile, and paint. I cry a LOT. So, I had to tear off 6-8 tiles and drywall to chisel the wood behind the controls, brace them down tightly, and lower the copper spigot fitting with flux and soldering (plumbing techniques), and burned 2 left fingers on a blow torch’s blue flame in the process!! Way to go Einstein!  I dropped pieces and tools between the walls that I had to fish out with a coat hanger. FUUUUUU!!!!  I cried for an hour and wrapped it in aluminum foil. I’ll survive with my burn spray and will to hustle. Today, I go again! I’ll tape and float the new drywall and begin tiling again, grout the shower, wipe clean, caulk everything, and seal the grout.  THEN I get to clean my mess and shower window, and remove the buckets to the garage. My kiddo has a special friend leaving to go to Florida and live on Saturday. I’m sad for her heart. 😢 Mom’s want to wipe away tears, but she helped paint and clean things because she sees me struggling while I’m completely falling apart, and missed last night’s chance to visit her friend……an hour away. Torn between house stuff or not needing her to help so she can go. So much still to do. Tedious projects. I’ve never been so tired in all my life!!! Barely eating. Collapsing by 10:30PM. I need superhuman strength!! Lord, take this cup from me!!!! But for now, it’s 3:00AM, I should try to sleep again.

Mindless memories, swallowing love

Pain and insecurities wrestling my moods

Day-by-day the dread of living, looms

Trusting anyone is out of the question

Love isn’t worth the cost if another betrayal

Punching through the dark days

One step at a time, seemingly dull

Not caring at all anymore, for anyone

Bewildered that love always floats on by me

Making the transition back to myself

Prepared to be alone in loving life again

Crowded in my memories

Sifting through the ashes, rising like a phoenix

Looking beyond horizon, not ready to fly

Changed, but forever scarred, again and again

Paranoid delusions shrouded in reality

Come and love me fully, I dare you to try

Traumatized by loves lies and deceit

Count on my guard being up and constant

To the takers and the haters

The cheaters and the manipulators

I see your game and I raise it

Men have come and men have gone

Who will be the one to understand

Bear my burdens and share the load

Who will stay and be my forever

Through the ups and downs to come

Wanting nothing more than to be released

From hurtful memories into his infinite love

The protector of my heart who will guard it

Keep it from harm and endures the fight

Come to me my love

Be my eternal destiny

©Wendy Poole

August 5, 2013

Unbridled

Twisted density of lover’s delight.  

Mingled in mindless thoughts of others.  

Guarded yet blown apart without inhibitions.

Freedom in excessive exploration of unbridled passion.  

Comfort in each other exposed.

Daring to withhold…..bridging emotion.

Yearning to love another in his presence, because he immobilizes me.

He is not my breath or life…..he is my death defined.

My alter ego.  Encompassed me……it is we.

The we, never meant to be.

 

For JJ

10.29.2012

TURBULENCE

Rising river of rapids swallowing my breath

There is a storm in the distance

Echoing a familiar pain about to strike

Like a fierce wind that catches you off guard

Slamming you to the ground, broken, and shattered

The sunlight came for a moment

You were my moment

In the haze of each new day, I felt you

The warmth of your soul brought a new hope

Then your fire raged and tore through everything good

Leaving a charred wreckage of ash and destruction

Not only scarred, but obliterated

The land is barren with inescapable hurt

Somehow, the turbulence in life will dissipate

But not before

Eliminating all light inside me

All will become but a memory

Of the sunny storm cloud

That was an electrifying lightning strike

Called you.

 

For Feroz Ahamad Ganie

3/5/2012

IT WAS YOU

 

Before I dreamed him………..it was you

I dreamed my first kiss…………………it was you

I smelled his skin…………………………it was you

I saw the outline of his form……………it was you

I imagined true love……………………..it was you

My heart skipped a beat………….it was you

I was made for him………………….it was you

I felt like a woman…………….it was you

The days came quickly……………….it was you

The distance was torment………………………it was you

I felt whole……………………………………it was you

I waited a lifetime for him………………………..it was you

To death I’d commit my soul………………………..it was you

Forever in eternity……………………………………..it was you

He secures my heart……………………………….it was you

Tenderly loving me………………………………it was you

I longed for nothing but him…………………………..it was you

I am complete……………………………………………….it was you

No one compares……………………………………….it was  you

I gave all I had……………………………………..it was you

I am lost without him………………………………….it was you

My heart stops beating…………………………………it was you

I feel deaths sting………………………………….it was you

Emptiness hurts inside……………………………..it was you

I will love him eternally…………………………it was you

This pain annihilates me……………………………..it was you

I am with him always, near or far…………………….it was you

Feroz is his name, the love of my life………………it was you.

 

To my husband:

Feroz Ahamad Ganie

9-17-2012

Delusion upon intrusion on a broken heart

Whispers of a devilish nature

Constantly wooing me with promises

Keeping me just close enough to believe

Bending back and fro in the pattern

Looking left and right, spinning around

Here, there, they are everywhere

Invading my thoughts with every heartbeat

In a maze of false persona and grins

I start to smash the mirrors of deception

The path becoming clear

Or is it a smoke screen of refection

No, it’s real

A light of hope shining now revealed

My broken heart of our dreams

There was never us, only me

Merely a dream of myself that grew

Including you to see the possibility of life together

Hope

Dreams

A future

Love

With you

Who was never really there, invading my reflection

 

©Wendy Poole

6/16/2012

For Feroz Ahamad Ganie

DOOMED TO YOU

What is this insatiable hold you have over me?

There is a stirring in my soul….

From the depths of hell I have survived

On your love for me

Hoping against the slightest of hope

To be yours forever

Locked in your being, trapped

Doomed to a life of love

Little bits of you revealed over time

Catching a glimpse of freedom

Letting love loose like a beast within

I’d rather be doomed to a life loving you

Than to a life uncertain with another

To give my utmost for your pleasure

Doomed to your complete happiness

Willing to survive it

Against all the odds that strike

You are my constant craving

My best friend I treasure

I’ve already loved you a lifetime

Doomed, you are already mine.

 

©Wendy Poole

11.12.11

For Mohsin Khan

 

 

 

Through my rose colored glasses I see hope

Hope for change at a better life

One full of love and passion

Surrounded by friends and family

A lifetime of joy

Having found a special friend in you

Not sure what I see at all initially

Your approach is off, rigid and abrasive

There is no comfort found in this banter

You were on my last nerve

I thought I was up for the challenge

We begin to travel mindlessly in conversation

One trying to outdo the other

Getting to know you better

Trekking past the driving distance that separates

Uniting our thoughts together now in laughter

Reaching a point of comfort and a bond

Able to share the wonder of it

Close to each other, mind and soul

I try to avoid the doubts

Better than a physical union

You have become my dearest friend

Part of the beating in my heart

Part of the hope

Seen through my rose colored glasses

Through the driving distance

You found me

 

©Wendy Poole  10.10.11

For: Mohsin Khan

SILENT RESONANCE

Like the sound of a horn about to blow

I hear it in my head like thunder clapping

Ricocheting like a bullet from a gun.

No end in sight,

From the hollow words

That rolled off your lips like vinegar,

On a hot summer day leaving me parched.

Sickening delusions stealing my smile

Burying me in an acid filled coma of silence.

A long overdue picture reel in slow motion,

Wrenching my insides out

Because I was your clueless fool blindly lost.

Did I just hear those words?

Go to hell, they hurt like it.

Our shared moments across time

That you never realized were mine to treasure

All lost in the few words spoken.

Your obligatory apology unheard

In the drowning tears

Of silent resonance in

My silly mistake of loving you…….

 

9.4.2011

©Wendy Poole

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