Archive for November, 2015


lightning2Suicide.  A taboo word that is left unspoken by most of the world.  For those that have been left behind by a victim of suicide, it leaves a gaping hole, a scar, a wound impenetrable, no closure, no goodbyes, no answers, but many questions.  Where does one start?  How does one heal from the wound that persists in memory forever?

My husband of 10 years, the father to my children, took his life on November 30, 1997.  Today, 18 years ago.  I have to say, it take a enormous amount of effort and diligence to face the fact that is not our fault.  There was shame associated with it.  He was doing crystal meth and I wasn’t super happy in our marriage because he cheated on me 2.5 years earlier.  I was still trying to deal with that.   Bitter and angry, doing my best to not hold that over his head in the marriage.  He after all, was a really good man.

I was a stay-at-home mother for 10 of the 12 we were together.  I had that luxury, he was a great provider.  My life was centered around my family and church.  We just celebrated Thanksgiving with my our kids and my parents. We were getting back on track, or so I thought.  Then, I found his meth with him in the bathroom, as he bathed.  Disbelief.  Are you kidding me? Really?  Yeah.  That seemed like the final straw and I think he knew I was upset as hell.  He disappeared from the house, somewhere nearby.  I was gathernig his things and then told him to go.  He didn’t appear to have taken the vehicle.  Unfortunately, I found him about 5 minutes later that night.  He had used a gun.  It was not a pretty sight.  The trauma alone inflicted a type of trauma you only see in movies.  There is no reference book on how to handle that.  My thoughts immediately went to my kids, aged 14 and 8, who were in bed trying to sleep, but heard us argue in that moment.  Stopping them from going outside to the disgusting terror that was their daddy’s death, at his own hands.  Carrying that burden alone, only seen by my step-dad, who identified him.  There was no note, no goodbyes, no closure.  The kids didn’t understand either.  Our lives changed in an instant, by the selfish act of another.   It’s not like a regular death.  This is what others don’t understand.  All we can do is try for the sake of others.  The loss of a husband, a father, a son, a child to suicide is trauma.  It shouldn’t be treated as any other tragedy.  It’s complex.

It is a day-to-day struggle, even after 18 years.  Especially today, the anniversary date.  What a waste it was of life.  Suicide brings a lot of negative emotions and causes us to have fears aplenty about our own relationships and getting close.  Suicide can cause us to relive the memory and make mistakes that are careless and which we think will bury the hurt inside us.  This is not our drama, it is a result of someone else’s bad decision, that impacts everyone.  On holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, out of town trips we remember, trinkets we shared together around the house, and the list goes on and on.  REMINDERS will exist always.  We simply learn to deal with them, without burying them.

Anger is a result of the emptiness that suicide leaves.  Anger having to tackle life alone without a partner to alleviate the confusion of life.  I am not one to go crying to others and whine about difficulties, ever. I cry out of frustration.  My parent’s taught me to be tough.  Being a middle child who was bullied in school, taught me to be tough.  Strong?  Tough?  It matters only to me.  I come across harsh, aggressive, abrasive, etc.  Do I care, sometimes.  Those that judge me haven’t walked in my shoes, or developed a personality in which they rely SOLELY upon themselves.  Do we have bad days, hell yes.  Do they rule our lives, hell no, or at least we hope they don’t.  There is no point in perpetuating the anguish with bad behaviors and sorrow either.  We MUST move on from pain, to get back to joy.  My faith in God helps me.  I know He has a bigger plan for me, somehow.  Through it all, the depression, the blame, the loss, I am capable of love.  Love is a survival instinct also.  Love is the one preferred.  Suicide takes time to heal from, perhaps a lifetime.  There is no quick fix or a counterpart to fill the void of another human gone forever.  Once you get past the blame inside that it was somehow your fault, you can THRIVE, accept, and forgive them.   Hiding behind the pain serves no one and just brings more pain.  Heal.  Be patient.  Love.  After all, isn’t that what God created us for?



Christi1544492_207542986107735_170802648_nanity.  Not just a cliché title or simplistic belief in Christ.  It keeps me in check.  A bible.  To some it means nothing, just another book sitting on a shelf while we think that because we’re spiritual or religious, or “good, sweet, kind people,” is enough.  How little we do as a whole to actually follow Christ.  What’s usually missing, what separates the wheat from the chaff as so-called “Christians” is that our words should take action in our lives.  We should have a relationship with Christ!  Not just give lip service.  How much of your life is centered around Christ, as a Christian?  Are we accepted as Christians as much as we try to accept what’s become “normal” in society like the Caitlins?  What’s your cause?  You can’t have one foot in the world and the other in Christ and be carnal minded just making excuses.  When’s the last time you HELD a bible, opened it, read it, prayed with your family or friends, studied the word, had a bible study, took notes in a journal, had convictions about your actions in life?  Do you spend more time watching TV or doing other things and barely have time to actually BE a “Christian.”  I have been a Christian my entire life, since I said the sinners prayer at age 7.  I’ve been involved in church, retreats, home groups, weekly ministry studies, Christian  based family retreats,  volunteering, Women’s ministries, raised my children to love Jesus, regularly took them to church and Sunday School, I was in Awanas as a child, I try to practice what I preach.  I have convictions and have had crappy days and YEARS of sinfulness and falling away, like the rest of the world.  My ability to overcome is purely because of my belief and faith in God and Jesus Christ that God loves me, not just lip service to the world.  I love rock music, alcohol now and then, and I have potty mouth, but at least I’m not a poser.  I’m honest about it.  Being a Christian has certain responsibilities.  It’s not just a cliché title.  I am not ashamed to say I love God.  I quote scripture, I read God’s word, and I study.  I judge by the actions of others as scripture says.  If that makes me a Holy Roller, bible  thumper or a freak, then I am.  It’s not easy living a Christ centered life, AT ALL. But, I still take up my cross daily for Christ, because He loves me true.  We all have vices or demons we struggle with.  Including Christians, because we see sin in the world
more, I think.  Stronger convictions.  Either way, I’m grateful for  God’s love, mercy, and His words.

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