I matter. My feelings matter. My things matter. My life matters. I am not a doormat or an object made of stone. I truly wonder when someone will care about ME out of pure love and NOT out of obligation or association to me. I have learned to live my life doing for everyone else while I wait silently for someone to give a shit about me and care about what matters to me. Who will go out of their way for me!??

Did someone help me financially, no, I never ask.  Did someone take care of me when I lost my nailbeds, no, I never asked.  Did someone come to visit JUST to see me without an agenda for themselves, no, they never do.  Did someone ask me to join them in an activity  because they are my friend, no, they never do.  Did someone call to see how my day went……no.  Loneliness and frustration go hand in hand.  I’d rather be alone that be wanted around only when someone has their own agenda to fill. I prefer to be around my friends because I like them and enjoy their company, even if all we do is have a cracker or a piece of bread.  I can be happy doing the smallest of things, together with those that I care for.  Making a glass of tea or baking their favorite snack.  Treating others with the decency that I would like shown toward me shouldn’t be made into an argument. 

I have learned so much about love through all the losses I have suffered in my lifetime, but it is rarely shown to me directly without motive for themselves.  What happened to “loving your neighbor as yourself” amongst friends and family?

Timex:  It takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’.  I am not a Timex.  I am tired of being treated with disrespect.  My own mother made me feel as if I didn’t matter, because I went to live with my father at age 12 and was never really truly forgiven for hurting her this way.  Did I feel unloved?  Yes.  Did I try to find the love that was missing?  All the time.  

I am not perfect and I make mistakes too.  I do know one thing.  I matter!  My feelings matter! My things matter! My life matters!  Maybe one day, I will matter to someone the way I matter to me……..it has been a long 13 years having bouts of “mattering” but nothing real or lasting.  I just want to matter…one day…everyday…for no reason at all except for being me.