It seems funny to have those words roll off my lips.  They are so untrue in my character.  Oh sure, when I hurt I want to lash out and annihilate the life of the person that hurt me.  Rip them to shreds verbally, say every horribly bad thing I can muster up from my mind, out my mouth to crush their spirit.  I am one vicious woman when I am wronged for no reason.  Why do I do this?  Because in my fragile, tender-hearted, loving, positive state of mind….I now have to find a way and force myself to dislike someone.  This is also not part of my character.  To eliminate them from my memory banks to avoid further pain from seeping into my heart and soul.  Diving into my memory banks, I start to spew ugly words and disgust toward them.  I want them to hate me.  I want them to forget they ever met me.  I want them to just go away.  I make that happen in the worst kind of way.  Party foul, right?  Although they say when you “break-up”  its supposed to be over, right?  I try to stay friends, but that is a tall order for me, especially if they cheated or lied to me and I loved them.  Two of the worst character traits I can think of.  Flaws from deep within a person’s soul.  Using those flaws to play with and toy with the emotions of a vulnerable, naive woman to the delight of others.  Who would throw themselves back in harm’s way to be emotionally raped by someone who can’t care enough to not have hurt me in the first place?  Caring for others isn’t rocket science after all. Using them and hurting others is an art form for some.  Rather than play the victim, I make sure I burn the bridge simply because my pain is so unbearable and I don’t go back. 

This time my hurt has turned to rage.  Rage I have not felt in years.  Rage because his lies and promises to help me and stand alongside me as my friends, first and foremost were lies.  I think of the lack of trust I had to get past because I knew he was far too busy for it to be “normal.”  How he’d excuse his behavior toward me by simply saying he ” honestly wasn’t looking for a relationship” yet found himself taking the step of referring to me as his girlfriend.  Wow!  I felt accepted.  This dude was trying and told me how awesome I was.  I think back on all the times he said awesome things to me, called to reassure me all was well, how he took the time to say hello in his busy life.  How I listened to his need for space and time to be alone and allow his heart to heal along the way from his past that he said he doesn’t live in.  How he learned to relax a bit with this goofy chick who was so much like him we seemed to copy each other and finish each other’s sentences.  We would laugh so hard!  It was good to trust again.  To feel secure in the person I was with.  I felt I had let my guard down…..finally.  I believed in him.  Completely, and as a man of his word.

Then it bit me in the ass.  Nothing I did seemed good enough and as soon as he felt he was getting close to me, he “freaked out and ruined it.”  He had to “uninvolve me” because it was going to get ugly.  This was his way of explaining his actions!?!  Ugly doesn’t begin to describe the lack of respect and honor toward me after having given my heart to him…among other things.  I did so much and got so little in the end.  I would rather have his hatred, at least it is something.  

The best revenge is to live happy.  I am happy.  I am a positive force in the lives of others and have been told this by them.  I love laughter, smiling and goofing off.  I am more angry at myself for having been bitten again by someone unable to care for anything outside of his bubble at any given moment, even though I held on to his words that he was trying.  Fleeting compassion.  You are either in the center of his life or on the outside looking in.  He either makes time, or he doesn’t.  He vacillates between things in his own life frequently as to what matters most. I should have seen the signs or read between the lines of his own words to me.  Hope is a funny thing! 

I have a home I bought as a single mother.  I have  degree, soon to have two.  I make good money when I work.  I have motivation and ambition to succeed all on my own, without the necessity of anyone else to save me along the way.  I can’t even imagine a man in my life helping me out financially in a relationship because I have done it so long on my own, just me, and my daughter for so long.  The trials I have endured in my life make me one seriously, strong-willed woman.  Most of the men I know can’t pull their lives together as well as I have.  It has been tough, so of course a strong man would be a welcome change.  A best friend.  A Knight!  A champion after my heart.  A man who knows God and His love.   A man with integrity to spare!  

So as I sit here today, so thankful I have my family friend Joshie, who saw my immense pain the last couple weeks because he lives here with me, to really tell me what a loser this last guy was to play me like a fiddle and burn the bridge so completely he didn’t deserve me. Then Joshie builds me back up to tell me how incredible I am as a woman God made to live this life after having gotten my shit together so well in all my pain. That I have so much to offer the smart man!  On one hand, there is this failed “relationship” because the man has issues (clearly) and even regretted what ruined things between us, while on the other hand, I look around to see what is real in my immediate life.  

Love, forgiveness, happiness, longing, intelligence, family and a positive outlook.  Plotting my revenge to be happy, while he continues to struggle in his life on so many levels he can’t even see what he’s done, let alone care.  Certainly not something I need in my life.  Send in a champion!  Bring me a hero!  God will provide and will remove that which is not good for me.  Hurts like hell, but it had to be this way. 

I hope his hatred runs long and deep for me.  Venomous words tore at him from my lips, on purpose.  I deserve so much more because of the kind of woman I am, which is not who I left as a vision for him.  So he played me……I played harder and earned his hatred.  I hope he will be truly happy. I know I will be without all his lies and deception.

Karma is a bitch, but God is bigger!  He should pray for his soul for having hurt a child of God.  Even in my anger, I pray for him!   Maybe his life would be better again if he even knew who God is again.