Where to begin?  I have had such an interesting life to say the least.  Married very young, had a son, then divorced.  Married a second time, had a daughter and sadly he took his life with a gun to his mouth on November 30, 1997.  Our children were 8 and 13 at the time and I had been a stay-at-home mother for 10 years.  I don’t think the fear of abandonment ever leaves you. You do what you can to move on as sanely as possible.  Tough?  Yes, for my kids and me.  I obtained a full-time job with Micron Technology and had to work 4 days of 10 hours, with 4 days off, then 3 days of 10 hours with 3 days off.  It was gruelling standing on my feet all day too!  Life changed so suddenly for me after my husband died.  I did what I had to do to keep things going.  I never went to a counselor for that.  I had no time.  I married again a year later to a man that was abusive and thankfully I divorced him pretty immediately.  I wanted to die after the last year and tried to take my own life.  I was pretty angry I had survived to live another pathetic day of my lonely life. In September 1999 I moved to Colorado with the encouragement of a man I met here online.  Mostly I moved to get away from all the memories of Idaho and to attend college as I could not afford the University of Boise and the community college was an hour away.  So off to Colorado we went!

I attended Red Rocks Community College for 1.5 years for graphic art and web design.  I was also working full-time and the kids were now in school.  I was happy to have a man around that was helping with the process.  I didn’t know anyone here either!  Ultimately I started school with the University of Phoenix in March, 2005 after the man and I had a huge falling out.  I graduated and earned my Bachelor of Science in Business Management in March 2009.  I initially started wanting a degree in human services, but realized I was not in the industry to earn my internship hours while in the job, so I changed degrees.  After a short respite of 4 months, I started my Graduate program at the same university and now have a 3.45 GPA.  I expect to have my Master in Business Administration in December, 2010.  I may even choose a concentration like project management or human resources.  School has been tough, but so emotionally rewarding for me.  I earned this myself, no help from anyone but my own inquisitive brain.

I have loved and I have lost in the last 12 years and each time I think I am going to give up hope, someone else comes along.  I was focused on school for a while and had a relationship for the last year of my BS program, so I knew I could handle it well.  I am a different person than I once was with goals and ambitions to succeed in my life.  Doesn’t seem like anyone sticks around long enough to be part of my long-term plans, so I will go it alone.  I haven’t needed anyone to help me out financially, I bought a home 4 years ago as a single mother, I have put myself through year round college and have begun to start my own business.  I am learning that in life, I am happy, smart, intelligent, nice, fun to be around and full of so much love to share with someone who will appreciate that in a woman and freely give in return.  What more could I ask for in my own life?  Nothing.  God has provided and will continue to do so.  No man can determine the path I will take in my life.  The illusion is that for so long I believed I needed one but I felt unlovable because of my past.  Clearly I do not need a man to be happy and survive.  I want one to ease my loneliness, but not at the cost of sacrificing myself along the way with no reciprocation. 

I will NOT cast pearls before swine.  God expects a man to love me with his love, as do I.  God set the desires in my heart for this kind of man.  Until he transpires and comes to fruituion……I wait.  The ones that haven’t figured it out, lose out.

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