Archive for April, 2010


SUSPICION

Waves of suspicion crash upon the shores of my heart

Bathing in memories because of all the idiots I have attracted

Eyes darting left and right in a panicked state of mind

What is truth and trust; did I just hear another lie?

My God!  My heart is racing in fear!

Your words spoken softly and with such passion;

I don’t believe a single one of them.

Suspicion killing what might be good and true.

I curse myself for not just believing enough in you.

My heart will betray my emotions a thousand more times

As my suspicious mind eagerly awaits its next fear,

In which it carelessly devours the truth that may be real.

Celebrating in itself because it is never alone, it fears nothing,

It trusts no one.

Suspicion drowns me, I choke, I spit, I stop breathing.

Suspicion killed another relationship again.

Trust and truth cannot co-exist with suspicion.

Suspicion wins out again and is the victor.

Alone in my paranoia, I add to the list of mistakes

Of listening to my heart too quickly. 

Damn that suspicious mind forever wandering away with my heart……….

©Wendy Poole 01-13-2007

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Shattering the silence

My Gloves come off

Loves sucker punch tearing out my heart

Sadness lulls me to sleep

Missing are your arms to hold me tight

Most hurtful your words screamed

Tearing at what little was left

I am down for the count

You threw in the towel

Yet you won the final round

But lost another love

Too proud to accept

The gloves were always on you

Champion of my heart

Winner of nothing.

Lost it all for a title.

You are the undisputed Champion

Of doing your worst to me

By a total knock out.

©Wendy Poole 8-8-2009

Enthralled in all the wonder of the life that is you

Happy just to hear your voice say hello to me

Like a butterfly with new wings, fluttering in the air

Understanding the direction by senses alone as my guide

Feeling as if I am running full force at the plate glass window

Seeing you standing on the other side like a mirage

Wanting to get a closer look

Feeling the excitement all around me

Constantly asking myself if this can even be real

Amazed more and more because I see your heart

Each word spoken reveals it to me, tenderly

Completely gasping with excitement for you

Stomach in a knot

Nervously giggling it away hoping you won’t notice

Hoping I won’t disappoint you

Butterflies in my tummy trying to escape

You are the net waiting to catch them

Caress and care for them

Like the fragile winged creature

I float on…….

 ©Wendy Poole  1-7-2007

What does it mean to be a woman of noble character?  To be worthy of so much more?  To shine in the light, to be set apart from the rest, to be an example to others through actions, behaviors and character.  I hope that I am a bright light to others who live in darkness and shame.  Those who have no conscious about the manner in which they live their lives from one day to the next or how they treat others in their lives. I was asked years ago to think of one of the happiest couples I know, to think upon the woman.  Did I look up to her?  Is she someone I hold in high esteem?  Did she love God and all His gifts in her life.  Sure there are many women around the world we can call heroes, famous people.  When I think of a woman of good character, I remember what it means to be a Proverbs 31 woman:

Proverbs 31:10-31

10Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. 11The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. 12She will do him good, and not evil, all the days of her life. 13She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. 14She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar. 15She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth food to her household, and a portion to her maidens. 16She considereth a field, and buyeth it; with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. 17She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. 18She perceiveth that her merchandise is good; her lamp {candle} goeth not out by night. 19She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. 20She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. 21She is not afraid of the snow for her household; for all her household are clothed with scarlet. 22She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. 23Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. 24She maketh fine linen, and selleth it, and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. 25Strength and honor are her clothing, and she shall rejoice in time to come. 26She openeth her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness. 27She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. 28Her children rise {arise} up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. 30Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. 31Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates.

I consider myself a woman of immeasurable worth.  God tells me I am in the blessings in my life, even after all the pain I have endured.  I have heard it from close family friends and from my own daughter.   I try to keep a calm spirit and a joyful heart.  I try not to let things anger me.   It is hard to keep my chin up and keep pushing forward, when it feels as if life at times has robbed me of some happiness.  I try so hard.  I put up a good fight for what is right.  There have been several occasions in the last few years in which this woman, this woman God has created me to be, was tested to the limits beyond the bounds of which I can scarcely stomach.  Beyond what I know in my heart.  I cannot bear another disapproval or rejection.  I hurt so deeply at times.  I have wanted to disappear forever.  To never have to feel another moment of pain in my tender heart from loving another.  I feel as if I am wasting away.  These wounds that tear at the essence of what it means to be a woman.  This woman who cares deeply and loves passionately in so many aspects of life.  Whose pure, innocent joy, can be rendered lifeless within, all because of the senseless, careless, undermining, cruel character of another human being.  Then I am reminded I am a child of God.  A person of noble character would never deceive, hurt, lie, cheat or speak to me in a manner of shame. 

Here I am, a woman created from man’s rib, to serve and love him. To give to him as a woman of worth.  To love and respect him.  To care for his children and be responsible in life in all manners, in behaviors, attitudes, finances, household concerns and above all, to do so with a happy heart.  To BE, a Proverbs 31 woman.  To me, this is my gift, this is how I CHOOSE to conduct my life.  To have the Holy Spirit guide my thoughts and lasso them under control.  To praise my efforts.

God knows my character better than I know it myself.  I am happy to say I am a honorable woman, who has a big heart and is driven in life to want what is good, noble, fair and of value.  To seek that which is best for others that I hold dear to me.  Yes, I have a standard by which I conduct myself internally.  Some may even consider this snobby or prissy.  I try to set a good example and not just talk about it.  When people look at me they see goodness and a little bit of feistiness!  I try not to hurt others.  This is damaging to my spirit.  It crushes me, so I avoid it whenever possible.  This is the essence of my heart.  The sensitive, loving, woman who has been shaped by God.   Yet, so often, others don’t care and they malign my name.  Consider the source.  Do they even know God?  Do they have a personal relationship with Him.   Have they ever?  Do they even care where their life is headed?  How they treat others?  Do they care or do they live a life of darkness and misery?  Do they count it all joy when they fall into various trials?  God cares for me and pulls me past the hurt.  Each and every time, I am delivered and my heart beats stronger. 

Some will read this and think, blah blah blah…..there she goes, talking about God again!  Or that I am stuck up or better than you are.  No. I am a woman.  I am not a rock without feelings.  I have too many in fact!  Trust me, there are times I wish I could shut down.  I am not perfect but I care, I try harder than most and I fight a good fight for what is right and noble.  So today, I am happy. I am happy I have people who make me feel as if Iam a woman of good character and that I feel pretty and I am loved for being who I am.  I may be blunt, opinionated, sometimes even demanding, but the bottom line is that when you go at life alone as a woman, its tough.  Sometimes it sucks in fact and you wanna take it out on the world!  Some people do!  Life makes me strong.  Life HAS made me strong, but through it all, I am a still a worthy woman.  I enjoy being a woman and I will continue to share love for others, in spite of their horrible behaviors.  Some I will simply walk away from because they damage my spirit.  They don’t deserve the likes of someone like me in their miserable lives.  I am not here to save them anyway.  God has brought me this far in my life with so much success AS A WOMAN on my own that I can only anticipate much of the same.  If not, that’s ok too!  🙂

Thank you God for allowing me the desire to be the woman you ask of me.  To be a woman of worth.  To know my life is more fulfilled each day I can actually do it!  I am set apart and am proud to be yours.

It seems funny to have those words roll off my lips.  They are so untrue in my character.  Oh sure, when I hurt I want to lash out and annihilate the life of the person that hurt me.  Rip them to shreds verbally, say every horribly bad thing I can muster up from my mind, out my mouth to crush their spirit.  I am one vicious woman when I am wronged for no reason.  Why do I do this?  Because in my fragile, tender-hearted, loving, positive state of mind….I now have to find a way and force myself to dislike someone.  This is also not part of my character.  To eliminate them from my memory banks to avoid further pain from seeping into my heart and soul.  Diving into my memory banks, I start to spew ugly words and disgust toward them.  I want them to hate me.  I want them to forget they ever met me.  I want them to just go away.  I make that happen in the worst kind of way.  Party foul, right?  Although they say when you “break-up”  its supposed to be over, right?  I try to stay friends, but that is a tall order for me, especially if they cheated or lied to me and I loved them.  Two of the worst character traits I can think of.  Flaws from deep within a person’s soul.  Using those flaws to play with and toy with the emotions of a vulnerable, naive woman to the delight of others.  Who would throw themselves back in harm’s way to be emotionally raped by someone who can’t care enough to not have hurt me in the first place?  Caring for others isn’t rocket science after all. Using them and hurting others is an art form for some.  Rather than play the victim, I make sure I burn the bridge simply because my pain is so unbearable and I don’t go back. 

This time my hurt has turned to rage.  Rage I have not felt in years.  Rage because his lies and promises to help me and stand alongside me as my friends, first and foremost were lies.  I think of the lack of trust I had to get past because I knew he was far too busy for it to be “normal.”  How he’d excuse his behavior toward me by simply saying he ” honestly wasn’t looking for a relationship” yet found himself taking the step of referring to me as his girlfriend.  Wow!  I felt accepted.  This dude was trying and told me how awesome I was.  I think back on all the times he said awesome things to me, called to reassure me all was well, how he took the time to say hello in his busy life.  How I listened to his need for space and time to be alone and allow his heart to heal along the way from his past that he said he doesn’t live in.  How he learned to relax a bit with this goofy chick who was so much like him we seemed to copy each other and finish each other’s sentences.  We would laugh so hard!  It was good to trust again.  To feel secure in the person I was with.  I felt I had let my guard down…..finally.  I believed in him.  Completely, and as a man of his word.

Then it bit me in the ass.  Nothing I did seemed good enough and as soon as he felt he was getting close to me, he “freaked out and ruined it.”  He had to “uninvolve me” because it was going to get ugly.  This was his way of explaining his actions!?!  Ugly doesn’t begin to describe the lack of respect and honor toward me after having given my heart to him…among other things.  I did so much and got so little in the end.  I would rather have his hatred, at least it is something.  

The best revenge is to live happy.  I am happy.  I am a positive force in the lives of others and have been told this by them.  I love laughter, smiling and goofing off.  I am more angry at myself for having been bitten again by someone unable to care for anything outside of his bubble at any given moment, even though I held on to his words that he was trying.  Fleeting compassion.  You are either in the center of his life or on the outside looking in.  He either makes time, or he doesn’t.  He vacillates between things in his own life frequently as to what matters most. I should have seen the signs or read between the lines of his own words to me.  Hope is a funny thing! 

I have a home I bought as a single mother.  I have  degree, soon to have two.  I make good money when I work.  I have motivation and ambition to succeed all on my own, without the necessity of anyone else to save me along the way.  I can’t even imagine a man in my life helping me out financially in a relationship because I have done it so long on my own, just me, and my daughter for so long.  The trials I have endured in my life make me one seriously, strong-willed woman.  Most of the men I know can’t pull their lives together as well as I have.  It has been tough, so of course a strong man would be a welcome change.  A best friend.  A Knight!  A champion after my heart.  A man who knows God and His love.   A man with integrity to spare!  

So as I sit here today, so thankful I have my family friend Joshie, who saw my immense pain the last couple weeks because he lives here with me, to really tell me what a loser this last guy was to play me like a fiddle and burn the bridge so completely he didn’t deserve me. Then Joshie builds me back up to tell me how incredible I am as a woman God made to live this life after having gotten my shit together so well in all my pain. That I have so much to offer the smart man!  On one hand, there is this failed “relationship” because the man has issues (clearly) and even regretted what ruined things between us, while on the other hand, I look around to see what is real in my immediate life.  

Love, forgiveness, happiness, longing, intelligence, family and a positive outlook.  Plotting my revenge to be happy, while he continues to struggle in his life on so many levels he can’t even see what he’s done, let alone care.  Certainly not something I need in my life.  Send in a champion!  Bring me a hero!  God will provide and will remove that which is not good for me.  Hurts like hell, but it had to be this way. 

I hope his hatred runs long and deep for me.  Venomous words tore at him from my lips, on purpose.  I deserve so much more because of the kind of woman I am, which is not who I left as a vision for him.  So he played me……I played harder and earned his hatred.  I hope he will be truly happy. I know I will be without all his lies and deception.

Karma is a bitch, but God is bigger!  He should pray for his soul for having hurt a child of God.  Even in my anger, I pray for him!   Maybe his life would be better again if he even knew who God is again.

Where to begin?  I have had such an interesting life to say the least.  Married very young, had a son, then divorced.  Married a second time, had a daughter and sadly he took his life with a gun to his mouth on November 30, 1997.  Our children were 8 and 13 at the time and I had been a stay-at-home mother for 10 years.  I don’t think the fear of abandonment ever leaves you. You do what you can to move on as sanely as possible.  Tough?  Yes, for my kids and me.  I obtained a full-time job with Micron Technology and had to work 4 days of 10 hours, with 4 days off, then 3 days of 10 hours with 3 days off.  It was gruelling standing on my feet all day too!  Life changed so suddenly for me after my husband died.  I did what I had to do to keep things going.  I never went to a counselor for that.  I had no time.  I married again a year later to a man that was abusive and thankfully I divorced him pretty immediately.  I wanted to die after the last year and tried to take my own life.  I was pretty angry I had survived to live another pathetic day of my lonely life. In September 1999 I moved to Colorado with the encouragement of a man I met here online.  Mostly I moved to get away from all the memories of Idaho and to attend college as I could not afford the University of Boise and the community college was an hour away.  So off to Colorado we went!

I attended Red Rocks Community College for 1.5 years for graphic art and web design.  I was also working full-time and the kids were now in school.  I was happy to have a man around that was helping with the process.  I didn’t know anyone here either!  Ultimately I started school with the University of Phoenix in March, 2005 after the man and I had a huge falling out.  I graduated and earned my Bachelor of Science in Business Management in March 2009.  I initially started wanting a degree in human services, but realized I was not in the industry to earn my internship hours while in the job, so I changed degrees.  After a short respite of 4 months, I started my Graduate program at the same university and now have a 3.45 GPA.  I expect to have my Master in Business Administration in December, 2010.  I may even choose a concentration like project management or human resources.  School has been tough, but so emotionally rewarding for me.  I earned this myself, no help from anyone but my own inquisitive brain.

I have loved and I have lost in the last 12 years and each time I think I am going to give up hope, someone else comes along.  I was focused on school for a while and had a relationship for the last year of my BS program, so I knew I could handle it well.  I am a different person than I once was with goals and ambitions to succeed in my life.  Doesn’t seem like anyone sticks around long enough to be part of my long-term plans, so I will go it alone.  I haven’t needed anyone to help me out financially, I bought a home 4 years ago as a single mother, I have put myself through year round college and have begun to start my own business.  I am learning that in life, I am happy, smart, intelligent, nice, fun to be around and full of so much love to share with someone who will appreciate that in a woman and freely give in return.  What more could I ask for in my own life?  Nothing.  God has provided and will continue to do so.  No man can determine the path I will take in my life.  The illusion is that for so long I believed I needed one but I felt unlovable because of my past.  Clearly I do not need a man to be happy and survive.  I want one to ease my loneliness, but not at the cost of sacrificing myself along the way with no reciprocation. 

I will NOT cast pearls before swine.  God expects a man to love me with his love, as do I.  God set the desires in my heart for this kind of man.  Until he transpires and comes to fruituion……I wait.  The ones that haven’t figured it out, lose out.

SURROUNDED IN SOILITUDE

 Struggling through days gone by, remembering our joys and pains, piecing

Together the moments we shared, of love and tenderness, of trials met

And burdens shared,

Remembering who the Creator is, and in whom

Was our united faith.

No longer will you have to bear the pain that so ached

In your heart from deep within,

Now there is but a quiet calm that settles the fiercest storms.

Enjoy your solitude, wrapped in God’s loving arms of grace,

And know all things, but above that, know that the

Love that we had chance to experience, passes all understanding,

Like the peace of God that now surrounds your very soul.

 

Getting on the bandwagon with my friends that like to blog.  Hoping I make the cut and can entertain you.  Writing my thoughts has always been something I like to do.  School has brough that to fruition. 

If you can go through the horrendous trials in life and still remain happy, confident, encouraged and optimistic, what do you do?

BLOG!!

JOURNEY

When will it end this lonely solitude?

In and out of the day ever moving onward.

As I struggle to put away pieces of our past

Now in a reality that I want to forget.

Agony overwhelms as I choke back another tear.

Two hearts once were one, left now is one, all alone.

In my strength I can carry on,

For I know, in time again I will love

Beyond what even now only I comprehend.

Settling for nothing less.

I will make this journey and wait my turn.

A day waits for me, as does this new life

When another will make his entrance

Into this maze of emptiness to fill my soul,

Finding me there helping me grow.

Loneliness now gone, and now what flourishes

Goes beyond even the depth of the love I already know.

 

© Wendy Poole 7-6-1998

PIERCED

Taking a walk back in time, to find a heart full of joy

Pierced by pain, longing to be set free

Avoiding life, endlessly searching for a way to beat again

 

Thinking that maybe somewhere in time there exists

A person to bring it back to life, even if for a moment

Hopeful that all is not lost, fear has not consumed

 

Realizing in my thoughts, life may be forever empty

The one meant for me has yet to be revealed

Unfortunate I have missed the mark

Longing for him, this arrow would pierce me again

 

Covered in hopelessness, though I can feel his touch

In my own imagination, loving me forever

Despair is now lost, and joy struggles on

My heart is pierced, but free again

 

Wendy Poole, January 4, 2001

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